My son was recently sick at home and I was not feeling well myself. Had an employee call me on my cell phone and I replied by saying, “sorry not feeling well, can we reschedule?” My son pointed out and asked why was I apologizing for being sick? Hmmm…. why was I apologizing? Over the next two weeks, I decided to count the number of times I apologized, or others who apologized to me. I concluded that it’s mostly women who apologized to me for being late, or for asking a question, and the list goes on.
It got me thinking why do we “Women” apologize often? I ended up at the beginning – my childhood. I remember going to visit relatives or friends’ homes as a child, I was always told not to refuse any food or drinks that were offered – it’s rude to do so and I need to be polite and accommodating. I remember refusing a book from a relative once, as I preferred a different book, and I was immediately asked to apologize; this was the first time I felt guilty for having my own point of view.
Over the years, I started to use sorry as my entry point to go against the grain. I remember telling my mom as a kid, “mom, I’m sorry but I’m quitting singing classes and I’m going to join Ballet school.” In essence, if I did something against the norm or against the popular vote – I said sorry. I was giving permission to myself for wanting to do something or say something that may be disappointing to others!
I came across this article in New York Time “Why Women Apologize and Should Stop,” and I related to everything the author mentioned. The Author in the Times article states, “we haven’t addressed the deeper meaning of these ‘sorrys.’ To me, they sound like tiny acts of revolt, expressions of frustration or anger at having to ask for what should be automatic.” In my above example, where I refused to go to singing classes, it was a tiny act of revolt, but I tried to make it all better by apologizing. I apologized for asking to reschedule meetings because my child and I were sick but that should be an automatic.
So, what will it take to just give permission to ourselves and ask or say what’s on our mind?
First and foremost, let’s focus on removing all the constrictions we put on ourselves and needing to give permission for wanting to do something. Why give the notion or reinforce it that we have done something wrong by starting with an apology? Here are a few things I’m learning to do:
- Just like any new habit, make a deliberate decision and build a pathway; I replaced my sorry with thank you – thank you for being patient, thanks for waiting for me….
- Learning to be in the present and embracing silence – don’t fill the space with I’m sorry or I apologize. It’s ok if there is silence in the conversation. Don’t go into Sorry, but….”
- Have an accountability coach – a friend, a co-worker that can help you with breaking the habit of over apologizing and help you voice your perspective, thoughts, asks…. without an apology.
